Monday, 20 August 2007

Dwarf, Vacuum Cleaner, ..........Superglue?

Are you with me?
Captain Dan, The Demon Dwarf, pictured below, the resident Vacuum-Dwarf of the Circus of Horrors, (who are currently performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival), has an act where he pulls a vacuum cleaner across the stage with his penis... Nothing strange about that, of course, simple enough good wholesome family entertainment? Well it seems he got himself into a sticky pre-dick?-ament, when he tried to mend his um... nozzle, with Superglue.

( I remember, by the way, in my schooldays, being told that 'Nature Abhors a Vacuum'... I think that phrase was commuted to 'nature abhors a DIRTY vacuum', when vacuum cleaners were invented.) Not that that is relevant.
Captain Dan's special friend is a vacuum cleaner called 'Henry'. And Dan inserts his... umm shall we say nozzle? into Henry's sucking equipment and Henry, sucking... follows him about the stage.
I've never seen this, of course. I have to take the press release's word for this. All went wrong when Henry suffered a sucking-part fracture as stage time loomed, perhaps by what Frank Zappa, in 'Joe's Garage', referred to as "Plooting too hard", in the section on Joe's perverse activities with household appliances.
Dan, using the leadership powers he oviously has as an officer and a Captain, sought out some rapid glue. Perhaps he was flustered by the nearness of performance time, or perhaps the instructions were too high up on the tube for a diminutive reader, because Dan failed to observe that the glue's active period was twenty minutes, not twenty seconds.
Previously, Henry's intimate grasp had always released at the flick of a switch, their relationship was a stage one only. This time, Henry did not let Dan loose.
After some buttering and tugging, and not a little pulling and jerking, our diminutive star and his electrical friend elected to visit Edinburgh Royal Infirmary. A direct ambulance to the accident and emergency department, (where staff too often are short on laughs). I suspect they won't forget this couple in a hurry.

Dan and Henry were parted after about an hour.
link to story


  1. HA !!!!!!!! on ground. no socks left.

    i'd highly recommend following the link - the comments left there are as priceless as the story ...

    no way i could top those ....

    (i.e. 'nothing sucks like an Electrolux' - that was from Sara)

  2. Sometimes I realize I just don't understand the human race at all, especially the male component. It's simply mind boggling.

  3. MMMmmmm....Captain Dan could convalesce on my couch.
    PORGs in kilts are hot, regardless of the condition of their mucilaginous manhood.

  4. Oh, err, ow, yurk......nasty.

  5. The best humor always has an element of truth to it, err.. at least that's what someone told me.

  6. and i thought nobody was stopping by....

    Umm Nothing sucks like an Electrolux...well, RDG, Dyson is claiming to outsuck the competition...but then, poor Cap'n Dan would just be a momentary lump in the tube, Schhhhhlupppp!
    Spellbound. There's weirder. Far weirder... Coming to a gritty blog maybe..... think... model railroad and passion....
    Too weird. Maybe I'll keep that one shelved a bit longer.
    I might have known you'd have a couch at the ready for a dwarf.... oops sorry
    Person Of Reduced Growth
    Or PORG, for short. Very short.
    Minx? I think your imagination is too graphic. Go read something innocuous, like um, knitting weekly.
    Dave:- stay away from the blades!

  7. ah yes! Sy borg and the model xqj-37 nuclear powered pan- sexual roto-plooker!

  8. ohhh - well someone DID call him Captain Dyson ..... but I think the best comment came from someone who said



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