Jasper Carrot sings a Jake Thackray Song.

It was a fine upstanding Bantam cock
So brisk and stiff and spry
With springy step and a jaunty plume
And a purposeful look in his eye
In his little black blinking eye he had
I took him to the coop and I introduced him
To my seventeen wide-eyed hens
He tupped and he tupped as a hero tups
And he bowed from the waist to them all and then
He upped and he tupped them all again
And then upon the peace of my ducks and my geese
He rudely did intrude
With glazed eyes and open mouths
They bore it all with fortitude
And a little bit of gratitude
He jumped me giggling guinea fowl
And forced his attentions upon
Me twenty hysterical turkeys and
A visiting migrant swan
And the bantam thundered on
He ravaged me fan-tailed pigeons and
Me lillywhite columbine
And while I was locking up me budgerigar
He jumped me parrot from behind
She was sitting on me shoulder at the time
Then all of a sudden with a gasp and a gulp
He clapped his little hands to his head
Lay flat on his back with his toes in the air
Me bantam cock lay dead
And the vultures circled overhead
What a noble brute, what a champion cock
What a way to live and to die
I was digging him a grave to save his bones
From the hungry buzzards in the sky
When the bantam opened up a sly little eye
He gave me a grin and a terrible wink
The way that rapists do, he said
D'you see them big daft buggers up there?
They'll be down in a minute or two
They'll be down in a minute or two

The Bull: Jake Thackray (1938 – 2002)

On my farm, the bull is the king of the yard;
He's big and bad and fast, he's strong he's . . . hard.
All my other animals would readily concur
That he is the one you salute, he's the one you call "Sir".
But my hens, a noisy, flighty flock -
Led, of course by my unsubmissive cock -
Whenever His Majesty the bull importantly goes by
They dance along behind him and they cry:
"Beware of the bull!"

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

Beware of the bull! The dancing cock is right:
Beware of whoever looks down upon you from a height.
Beware of His Honour, His Excellence, His Grace, His Worshipful,
Beware of His Highness, because of the bull.
For if the boss, the chief, the chap at the top
Should let a single lump of claptrap drop,
The greater the weight and the height he is, the harder it will go
With a grander splat! on the bleeders below.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

The hero arrives, we hoist him shoulder-high.
He's good and wise and strong, he's brave, he's . . . shy.
And how we have to plead with him, how bashfully he climbs
Up the steps to the microphone - two at a time.
Then down it comes: slick, slithery pat!
If you must put people on pedestals, wear a big hat.
The tongue he's got is pure gold, the breast is pure brass,
The feet are pure clay - and watch out for the arse.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

At long last, the revolution comes
And in no time at all we're erecting podiums.
Comrades with chests of medals by the balcony-full;
After the Red Flag, the galloping bull.
The Saviour came especially from on high
To face up to the punters eye-to-eye.
No sooner is he dead and gone, there's blessed pulpits-full;
Bestride the holy lamb, behold the bull.
Beware of the bull!

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker and thicker the bullshite falls.

These well-known men, so over-glorified -
There's one of them here his name's on the poster outside -
And he's up here like this, and you are all down there.
Remember his cock and his bull and mutter: "Beware!"
For when they've done, we clap, we cheer, we roar:
"For he is a jolly good fellow! Encore! More, more!"
How glorious it would be if before these buggers began
We all stood up together and solemnly sang:
"Beware of the bull!"

The bull, the bull is the biggest of all.
He is the boss, he is, because he's big and we are small.
But the bigger the bull, bigger the bull, bigger the balls.
The bigger the bull, the bigger and quicker
And the bigger and quicker and thicker
And the bigger and quicker and thicker and slicker the bullshite falls