Sunday, 29 July 2007

I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

Just to clarify, I did NOT write this. It is By Terry Jones, one-time Monty Python member, and was published in the Observer on Sunday January 26, 2003.

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.


  1. An enjoyable post, but your colour scheme doesn't allow me to read much else on the page.

  2. But first you have to capture them all, imprison them in your basement and torture them until they confess to their crimes. Only in this way can you be sure you're executing the right ones. Goodness, I feel safer already just knowing you're ever vigilant for terrorist.

  3. Todd, Thank you for the feedback, I tried, I really did, I messed around with the colours, tried all manner of combinations, tried subtle, tried garish and all stations in between.
    Some I quite liked,but then i looked at old posts that for some mad reason
    I'd used different coloured text in...
    And they were often unreadable, with text and background merged.
    So I've ended up pretty much as it was, just subtly altered.
    Yours is the first comment I've ever had about it being difficult to read.
    I'd appreciate it if you'd have a quick look again, see if this is any better, and maybe tell me which areas are worst, would larger, or bold text improve it?

    I don't keep them in my basement.
    We bundle them into a hired van, and transport them to a different street, where the torturing is done by hired residents of a different suburb, 'Extraordinary Rendition' is the clever name we invented for it.
    It has no meaning, but sounds very official... And because it's in a different street and we hire third party torturors (easy off the internet), it's all deniable...
    we can say we never touched them.
    We execute all the right ones... And hey, if we make a few mistakes, well its for the greater good.
    -their families will thank us for making the street a safer place.
    Might I suggest you wear sunglasses in your picture?
    My Lieutenant says he thinks you have a seditious look. You are safe for now, as I have told him you are an informer, and that we turn a blind eye to your activities in return for you turning in your neighbours.

  4. Who needs proof when you have all these reasons? When you are convinced its the right thing to do, the evidence becomes immaterial.
    This is the kind of gooey fog Bush is operating under...what really ticks me off is how flippant he seems about the mess being made.

  5. Head Duck Wrangler2 August 2007 at 20:12

    Why do singers sing their song?
    Why do writers write along?
    Why do sailor sail their ships?
    Why do dancers swing their hips?

    It's just what they do!!!
    The military has to blow up something .... somewhere ...

    Something/somewhere besides the Duck Farm is one of the better alternatives. The southern half of the United States has already been blown up by the US military. It is somebody else's turn.

    Quack, Quack!

    ps.... If you haven't read "Ogilvy on Advertising" .... that is one of the more important books of the advertising Bible. The part about print advertising is appropriate to blogs that intend to make a point. You do a nice job. Nobody would say anything if it wasn't pretty fantastic. We're just greedy and want to see MORE fantastic!!


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