14th April 2007
Punk Poet and sometime blogger Ersatz Soubriquet was yesterday reported missing. Police searches, and exhaustive investigation of his recent computer records indicate that in recent weeks he has been concerning himself deeply with the mechanisms of the Aurora Borealis.
In his kitchen, beneath vegetable peelings and bread crusts, was found a notebook filled with jottings, most of which were so mathematically advanced that Doctor Steven Hawking was called upon to interpret them.
"My God!" he cried, "This is incredible! Soubriquet is positing an 'n' dimension fractal warp of space/time, to be driven by an antimatter-energised clockwork motor- yes, I think this could work...." Chief Inspector T. Runcheon, of the British Blogger Police, then asked Doctor Hawking, what the point of such an activity might be.
"It seems that a friend of his has never seen the Aurora Borealis, nor for that matter, the Aurora Australis, and it is her birthday today.
Soubriquet indicates in his notes that he is seeking to build a machine, so small it could be posted anywhere in the world. Running from a tiny clockwork motor he calls 'the heart', it would enfrictionate antimatter particles, setting up a highly charged magnetic flux, similar to the field at the planet's poles. This would be directed, by reflective foil mirrors, made using origami techniques, into the sky, and would extend thousands of miles above the earth."
"If he can do this, if it can be achieved, it would attract the solar wind, causing molecules of gases in the most outer reaches of the atmosphere to glow, oh, like a glowstick, over hundreds of miles across the sky, centred above his device."
"There is only one place he can be, only one place in the world where antimatter is being generated by science, Inspector, You must follow him to Cern, the vast Cyclotron beneath the Alps"
The hunt moved rapidly to CERN, where Interpol and Swiss special forces sealed off the vast physics complex.
This newspaper's reporter, on site, CERN, Switzerland, has been told that no person could possibly survive venturing into the antimatter chamber with a small glass jar, as Soubriquet appears to have done.
The immense forces and magnetic fields involved would rip a human body apart, into a mist of whirling molecules, accelerating almost to the speed of light.
Although a strong combined force of police and soldiers surrounds the control complex, it seems there is little chance of Soubriquet ever being seen again.